Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.