Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*