Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach