Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Writing, She Murdered.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece