Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
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Okay me first
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
taking June’s advice to heart
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?