Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms