Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Best seat on the street 😍
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE