Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive