Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.