LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
any last words?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”