Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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this is uni
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Matthew was born for this.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.