Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti