Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

How to wake up a Beagle

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

sometimes we need to be reminded