Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.