Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
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Pretty much. 🤣
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.