Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
We found love in a hopeless place.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.