Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
this makes me so uncomfortable
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.