@jordan_stratton

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

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@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

@The_Albinoshrek

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@fro_vo

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

@shashaintl

Him: Are you gonna kill me?

Me: WHAT?

Him: Your mood swings. I figured today’s the day I die.

Me:

Him: *whispers* Please don’t hurt me.

@Playing_Dad

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@dril

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars