Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

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Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.


Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?


Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me


*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco


Him: Are you gonna kill me?


Him: Your mood swings. I figured today’s the day I die.


Him: *whispers* Please don’t hurt me.


Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.


CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.


[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]


Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks



The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars