Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
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I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.