Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
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god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
wow he looks just like him
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.