Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now