[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks