Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.