Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.