Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Cinematography is my passion
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
We have a winner.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
fly smarter, not harder
That’s classic.
