Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

#milo

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

skipping every song that reminds me of him

-me, listing to the playlist i made for him

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough