Lassie, get help!
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.