Lassie, get help!
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
He a real one for that
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
They’re called werewolves.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.