Lassie, get help!
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
The Punning Dead.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.