Lassie, get help!
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Not messing around
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face