Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor