“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.