Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’m calling the cops.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him