Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow