Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.