Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

those birds must be on payroll

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.