“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant