Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
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“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same