Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.