Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.