Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus