Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

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My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.


Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.


Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.


if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back


[just time traveled to the past]

them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works

me: lol no

them: can u explain literally anything

me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks


Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing


Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.


It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.


Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.


I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.