Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

Florida man

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.