Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My dad teaching me to drive
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this