Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

we all know this pain all too well

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.