Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
584.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
When news reporters do sports stories
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.