Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I’ve been learning to cook.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids