Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My sex drive has a dui
*puts my mental health in rice
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks