Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
the chicken was already gone when I got here
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.