Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what