Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

GM✌🏻

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.