“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
oh ffs josh did you not read the email