“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*