Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

an airline just for babies.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

jesus, what did this guy do

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

A ghost story

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Punctuation Matters. Period.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now