last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.