Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

#Caturday