Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

scrabbled eggs

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked