Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.