[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.