Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.