Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance