Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Lucky old June.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??