Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.