Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be