[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
sir, my pâté if you please
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.