[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I have so many questions.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”