Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

I ate everything, including the H.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”