@sofarrsogud

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

You Might Also Like

@coIIegestudentz

College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@jakefromstfarm3

“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

@AskinWayne

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

@NicestHippo

If you’re going to call people who aren’t yet born “the unborn” then you have to call people who aren’t yet dead “the undead”

@DrakeGatsby

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

@wittwitbarista

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell