Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

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College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.


Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.


Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?


Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.


[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]


If you’re going to call people who aren’t yet born “the unborn” then you have to call people who aren’t yet dead “the undead”


Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”


Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell