College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?” -a very curious play goer.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
When the bell on your bus doesn’t work…
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you’re going to call people who aren’t yet born “the unborn” then you have to call people who aren’t yet dead “the undead”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Him: this isn’t going well.