Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Just how popey was the pope today?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.