Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Beware…..

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Cinematography is my passion

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP