Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids