[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…